Coming to Terms

I wondered when I last said thanks to YOU?
You who was always there even though there where times I hated that you were.
Younger when I was, I always thought that everything will be alright just because you said it would be.

Older, that I am, I now realize that the cycle has to complete itself and that now the giving would have to be from me.

All of the sudden I feel insecure, for I know not if I shall get the same treatment from the young that once was me. Now I am trying hard to remember if there were times that I had failed to understand, to feel and to love.

And yet, whatever I may have done in the past, and is doing in the present, I just hope that it is enough to assure me of a peaceful life up to the end.

The oldest memories of my mom that I had was when I was four… she in her tight jeans and blouse tied in a knot around her waist riding a bike with me in the front carriage, swooping through the winds and I remember feeling awesome! It was like I was in a speeding motorcycle racing though the high ways with wonder woman.

Then as I got older, my thoughts of her were those days when she would sew my play clothes and I’d be wearing new shorts and spaghetti-strapped blouses made from those cheese cloth sacks recycled from chicken feed bags.

But my thoughts of how I remembered my mom wasn’t always happy. There were those days when I felt she never understood. Days when my nose would bleed from too much blowing because I had been crying for hours in a corner of my house or under my bed.

These memories even became more and more sad as I learned to love someone else outside my family. When I had my suitors and would be boyfriends. In those days, all I could think about was how my mom didn’t care how I felt and how I thought she didn’t love me.

Ah yes, those were the dark and troubled days between me and my mom. I felt like I was being taken for granted or being persecuted. I felt like I cannot tell her anything anymore and that the first thing I would do is ran away after I got married. But that didn’t happen. I got married even before I graduated and that would surely have disappointed my mom. But didn’t get to move out the house for they insisted that we stay.

Two years after, feeling stronger and more able, we decided it was time to fly the coop. But that plan instead of being a happy and proud occassion was turned into such drama and heartache. We were forced to leave the house in such tear-stricken state that if not for the intervention of my god parents, we would probably have been alienated for life.

But all that being said, I love my mom, because my mom thought me to love my husband as if he were the only man in the world. Love my kids in a way that would teach them how to be strong.

But I guess by being like my mom, my kids will hate me just as I felt hate and hurt for my mom before. I just hope that the day will come that my kids will see that what I am doing for them right now, they may not like. I just hope that in the end they will see how much I love them and how much I am proud of them.

Mom, I love you!

Why do I just wither and forget all resistance
When you and your magic pass by
My hearts in a dither dear
When youre at a distance
But when you are near, oh my…

Its not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me,
Oh no
Its just the nearness of you

It isnt your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation,
Oh no
Its just the nearness of you

When youre in my arms
And I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams
Came true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If youll only grant me
The right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night
The nearness of you.

still feel this way towards you… after all these years…

Your eyes
which first held me captivated
where I stood.

Your smile
to dazzle the sun
and warm every corner of my soul.

Your voice
like a sparkling mountain stream
which flows into my heart.

Your walk
and your manly ways
takes my breath away.

Your hair
about which I dreamed
of caressing as you leaned over me.

Your hands
whose touch I crave
to hold my face
in their tenderness.

Your arms
I long to have around my waist
as you pull me close
to your warmth.

Most of all
everything you are
changed the way I feel about my life.

I love you.

It was supposed to be a vacation…
Having a holiday during the week that you reported for work, you finally found a chance to take a vacation following your day-off.

But lo and behold, you wake feeling terribly bad.
But you think it’s inertia
You tell yourself that you are not just used to having a little too much sleep and rest
So you work on cleaning the house and washing your car
Spent the whole morning doing chores and looking forward to a nice lazy afternoon with your “lovey-doods”
But as the afternoon approached you feel this unbearable pain which cannot be described – can’t tell where it’s coming from or where it’s headed to.
You know something’s very wrong and that you cannot just ignore it and hope it will go away.

Well you’ve felt this pain before, you know what’s causing it and you hoped that just like before it will go away eventually. But the intensity of the pain is not letting up, you feel it building up into a cresendo that would not allow you to hold your breath and wait for it to subside.

Then you get the news that confirmed your suspicion – yep! It’s back with a vegeance.

You know you have no choice but to finally give in and accept that the pain has defeated you…

Now you have to yield and let it leave you on its own…

Your touch, Your kiss,
A grieving heart, You’re greatly missed.

An empty house, An empty chair,
Someone’s love, No longer there.

A broken heart, Tear filled eye,
Another soul to fill the sky.

Many memories in my mind,
Some I laugh, Some I cry.

The times we shared, The laughs we had,
Things I miss when I think of you.

Realizing that’s all I have to hold on too,
Only memories, Of what once was you.

Missing your laugh, I will never again hear.
That is the reality that fills me with so much fear.

No more smile on your face,
No more warmth of your embrace.

The last hug, The last kiss,
The last “goodbye” leaves me with one last wish…

To have you, here today,
Never to leave me this way.

Your touch, Your kiss,
A grieving heart, YOU’RE GREATLY MISSED!

I sit in my chair pondering how I feel after what had happend

A few years ago, I probably would have been furious and angry
But now surprisingly I don’t… not anymore
I think I realized already that I have nothing to prove anymore
I have reached a point in my life that I can leave with my head held up high and still walking proud

No more excuses, no more demands
Nothing has diminished…it seemed that nothing can hurt me or my pride

Mellowed? Probably? No, I guess it just comes with the realization that I can not please anybody but myself. Only I can say that I have been at my best at a time when I needed to be and it has already yielded results… and I like it!

I did my best but I guess my best wasn’t good enough
‘Cause here we are back where we were before
Seems nothing ever changes, we’re back to being strangers
Wondering if we ought to stay or head on out the door

Just once, can we figure out what we keep doing wrong?
Why we never last for very long
What are we doing wrong?

Just once, can’t we find a way to finally make it right?
To make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it

I gave my all but I think my all may have been too much
‘Cause Lord knows we’re not getting anywhere
Seems we’re always blowing whatever we’ve got going
And it seems at times with all we’ve got
We haven’t got a prayer

Just once, can’t we figure out what we keep doing wrong?
Why the good times never last for long?
Where are we going wrong?

Just once, can’t we find a way to finally make it right?
To make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we could break through it
If we could just get to it, just once

I want to understand
Why it always comes back to goodbyes
Why can’t we give ourselves a hand
And admit to one another we’re no good without each other
Take the best and make it better
And find a way to stay together

Just once, can’t we find a way to finally make it right?
Make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we could break through it
If we could just get to it, just once
…just once

I woke up choking, feeling as if I would pass out
Can’t breath… getting dizzy… my head is spinning

Almost at a panic, I tried to sit up hoping to dislodge whatever it is that is blocking my air ways
But I continued to cough wildly and tears are starting to flow down my eyes

Groped in the dark… my companions are upstairs sleeping… they can’t hear me
I tried to drink water… I still can… there is chance I can get through this…

I groped in my bag, there is one more piece of anti-histamine… I chewed it up so I can easily absorb it and drank some more water… I am already out of breath… whizzing…

I laid down on the sofa bed… hoping to calm myself down and let the meds I took take effect

I think I must have fainted for I could not remember what happened after that…

Probably the medicine worked… cause I am still alive…

What if I had died? I guess I will never know… but thinking about it now, I guess it would not really be that bad… I think I have reached the summit and there are very few things which I have left undone… things I have always wanted to do most of it I have done, so I guess dying is not so bad after all…

Words of wisdom
come to my ears,
Telling me what I know in my heart,
But never wanted to hear.

Instead, a learning experience
has come from all this.
I’ve learned that hardly anything
is more important than my happiness.

– by Felicia